Have you ever experienced the phenomenon of thoughts screaming in your head so much that they cancel each other out?
Earlier today, I just wanted to hide my head under the pillow to make all the thoughts stop. Now it’s eerily quiet in my head. The noise was all at the same deafening frequency, and now it has cancelled itself out. I’m not really in touch with it either. It’s there, I know it is, but it’s locked in a sound-proof and padded room. I can feel the weight of them, and the substance of them, but I can’t determine what they are saying anymore. I guess it’s good, because it was not a happy avalanche of thought.
I feel bad. My wife is worried and has asked me several times what’s going on, but I have nothing to tell her because it’s all gone quiet. It all got really loud after therapy today (frustration was kicked up in the dust of the “I can’t communicate effectively” conversation) and I started drowning it out with music. I couldn’t talk about them because they were so loud and intrusive (you know, like when the neighbor’s party is so loud you can’t hear yourself think. only this was all going on in my head). All I could do was drown them out with music. Then I sat by the water for a while. And then we watched the rain (I had to go under the roof because I did not want my phone to fry. I need it to listen to Pandora. If that was not a concern, I would have stayed sitting in the grass by the canal). I think the combination of the music and the rain washed it all away (or filled my brain with water to deaden the din). Now it’s blissfully quiet, with only a few flashes of intrusive thoughts here and there. The rest is just… silence.
Part of me wants to be in touch to know what’s going on under the surface, but with the holiday coming up on Thursday, there will be no additional supports available again until Monday. And I want to be able to enjoy the day with my wife.
And because nature makes me smile, here’s a brief clip of the Great Blue Heron that was hunting nearby. (I wish I could embed it, but wp is not feeling that right now)