Sudden switches (triggering)

I really cannot tell you what happened tonight,  but the switch was instant.  I was putting dishes away,  and suddenly the kitchen knives begged to be used.  I wanted to take them all and stab myself.  I wanted to feel them go all the way through my arm,  like the scene in Stigmata… and then I wanted to smash all the dishes.  My wife was there,  so I asked her to put the sharp knives away.

I don’t know what changed.  I know I’ve been feeling like crying for no apparent reason even though it was a good day.  I told my therapist that when I saw him.  I wasn’t connecting to any emotion at that point though.
I collaged tonight,  and they were actually positive pieces:


Then I went to do the dishes so L could make dinner.  That’s when something just changed.  I went from that positive feeling to bat-shit crazy (sudden anger and a need to break things,  especially myself) in an instant.

The resulting collages were a bit darker: (I wish I could put them next to each other. It’s a 2-page spread)


I hate when that happens.  It’s like my brain is unable to handle happy,  so it whips me back to crazy (I skip right over depressed at times like these). I just don’t understand it… I don’t like it.


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