I really cannot tell you what happened tonight, but the switch was instant. I was putting dishes away, and suddenly the kitchen knives begged to be used. I wanted to take them all and stab myself. I wanted to feel them go all the way through my arm, like the scene in Stigmata… and then I wanted to smash all the dishes. My wife was there, so I asked her to put the sharp knives away.
I don’t know what changed. I know I’ve been feeling like crying for no apparent reason even though it was a good day. I told my therapist that when I saw him. I wasn’t connecting to any emotion at that point though.
I collaged tonight, and they were actually positive pieces:
Then I went to do the dishes so L could make dinner. That’s when something just changed. I went from that positive feeling to bat-shit crazy (sudden anger and a need to break things, especially myself) in an instant.
The resulting collages were a bit darker: (I wish I could put them next to each other. It’s a 2-page spread)
I hate when that happens. It’s like my brain is unable to handle happy, so it whips me back to crazy (I skip right over depressed at times like these). I just don’t understand it… I don’t like it.