I just don’t have the energy anymore. I have no interest in the things I know deep down I love and bring me joy (or at least some measure of peace). My urge is to push everything and everyone away. I’m in the phase of wanting to sell most of my reptiles (a lot of the lizards) because the snakes are easier to care for, and my depression would not impact them as intensely as it would the geckos… I want people to leave and let me be. I want to try stupid, risky things in hopes that something brings some relief. I didn’t get any relief from the intense weight of everything until I was borderline hurting myself (though I am unsure if it was the release of anger, the almost-crying, or the physical pain of hitting the bed and smacking the boards underneath by accident). I want to say it was the emotional release, but my history with self-harm points to the pain being the cause of the respite from the emotional turmoil.
I am so, so, so tired. I’m losing the will to keep struggling against this crushing weight. I’m just out of energy.
I see a psychiatrist tomorrow morning for the first time in a long time (outside of the hospital stay last week). I am unsure what his or her reaction will be to my refusal of meds. I don’t want to give him or her the impression that I am a danger to myself. I don’t need to be back on a locked unit at this point… But that irrational fear of this person interpreting what I say as a suicide threat and locking me up again is looming. The last time I saw an outpatient psych, that is what happened. The situation is different now though. I am not in the same emotional place I was that time, so there is no reason to lock me up, but the fear is there.
My head and heart hurt. My body and mind are tired of this fight. K challenged us to weave positives into our days today. She is all about the positive affirmations, which I find ridiculous. I need to start smaller, and not challenge those negative beliefs head-on because I tend to lose that way. The smaller things I can handle. The huge ones spring so many defenses.
Also, I declined the rehab job… I just can;t do that to myself right now. I know I would give and give and give, and they would just keep taking. I don’t have that much left. I don;t want to risk it. Sometimes you just have to know your limits and take care of yourself despite the outside pressures to do otherwise. This is me remembering to say yes to myself before I say yes to someone else.