Daily Archives: May 7, 2013

I’m just so… tired.

I’m spent, and I don’t know what to do.  At the end of last week, my T suggested I seek some other outside support, like a case manager and a psych consult to talk meds again… I immediately got hung up on the meds thing.  I do not want any more to try.  I feel they just destroy me rather than help.  I do not know how to effectively put this in words…  we talked about it briefly, and he ended with “you can still refuse, but it may be good to at least get a consult.”

The whole thing just made me feel so hopeless… I know this is what I had been asking for from the start (the added support), but not the meds thing…  I’m having a hard enough time trying to swallow the thought of applying for disability, forget anything else… I know I can’t work in my chosen field right now.  I know that disability is likely the only way to get into an appropriate treatment program. I know it is only temporary… but… ugh!  I’m having such a hard time accepting the thought of being “disabled” for a mental health thing… BUT, I know I need it to get me back on track…

I feel so hopeless lately.  Nothing seems to change that for long.  I really wish something would help, but I don’t have access to that right now.  I called one of the organizations he suggested yesterday.  They are not sure I qualify, and meds are a required part of the program.  I wish they took it more individualized.  I told the lady I would be willing to discuss meds, but that I have had very bad experiences with it in the past, and they tend to screw me up more than help.  She said she would take it to her supervisor and call me back this morning.  It’s only 10:30, so I still have time left to hear back, but something tells me it’s not going to happen.  The only other place he suggested is a place that requires a notarized letter of support since I am unemployed and with no income… I don’t want to put anyone in the position of having to be responsible for paying my medical bills, and I feel like that is what they are looking for… I just need help getting onto state benefits and applying for disability… and it would help to have some extra support, but I don’t want meds.  I’m not sure if their program requires it or not… but first I will wait to see what this other program says.  I could probably also reach out to the GLBT services center that my wife uses (and I go to a drop-in group there).  I was told they have case management, and they could also give me names for a psychiatric assessment… I just don’t want to be given meds and told I have to take them… Part of me fears that if I go and talk to someone like that, I will be forced into it… D reminded me I have more freedoms now than I would if I were hospitalized (especially if it were involuntary).  I still get hung up on some  of the worse experiences I had in the past.  They haunt me…  It’s sad that so many systems that are supposed to help people end up just traumatizing them more…

(on a side note, I’m sorry I’m not reading much lately.  I don’t feel like I have much useful to contribute… I’ll catch up again some day…)