I awoke with a bit more clarity this morning (I’m back on the analytical side of the wall). I have a few options to get through this crap: 1) I could keep reaching out and trying to say what it is I need until I get it right and I actually get it; 2) I could give in and fall apart with a slight measure of control so I don’t do it totally out of control, or 3) I could suck it up and force the pieces back together in whatever way I can so I stay “together” as long as possible in hopes that Medicaid (Medicare?) comes through before I completely lose it…
Maybe this is all so I’m forced to build up a support network down here…? A way to get through things without relying on professionals as much as I do. The thing is, I’ve relied on myself so much growing up, it took years to learn to trust anyone else to help keep me safe… now to have to learn to do it all myself again seems like a step backwards.
I am learning to rely on my wife more though. I’m learning to let her in little by little, but I don’t want her to be the main support. She has a lot on her plate also, and she needs to be able to take care of that too. I help as best I can, but I feel so wrapped up in myself most of the time that I know I’m not a very good resource.
I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when D acknowledged that the self injury was my only coping method for so long, it is hard to learn to replace… it was nice to hear someone say that childhood/early learning is more difficult to change – its more deeply written in our psyches than later learning. I know Dr C seemed to understand it, but never really said it. I’m glad D did.
So back on the topic of my choices; I’m not sure what to follow through on. Even if I do a “controlled burn” so to speak, I can’t until after Saturday (huge volunteer commitment I would feel utterly guilty for missing, even if it means my mental health may suffer. Tho it may just help me make it through this period). The waves of feeling terrible come and go, but mostly it feels like a stagnant pool of hopelessness. It really sucks… but maybe if I can make it through the weekend, I am then that much closer to next Wednesday, where I have hope of making that session better… of getting farther with it… is it worth it?