I wish I knew

I wish I knew what to say (and how) to get whatever it is that I need… I reach out in all the wrong ways.  Even after a lifetime of this struggle, I still don’t know how to articulate what I need to in an effective manner…  It feels like my learning stopped the day I first felt hurt like that… the words don’t come. Not even pictures of what would help form in my mind (at least nothing healthy).  How do you learn to speak what is unspeakable?  How do you breach that gap in cognition and emotion?  How do you figure out what it is you need to say that gets you the help you need?  What if there is nothing like what you are searching for?  What if the vague idea coalescing in your head has no corporeal existence, so no one knows what you mean when you actually do say it?  What do you do when the only words you’ve learned to ask with portray the wrong picture?  They do no justice to what it is you truly need… so you say you don’t know what you need, because there are no words to convey it effectively… and sometimes you really don’t know. They are just ideas and instincts you go on, because you have learned to follow your instincts of late… but no one believes you know what you need.  You have said you don’ know so many times… Only maybe you know what you don’t need this time around…

It would be easier if I had a traditional addictions problem.  I could go to meetings and find sponsors and have support from those who have experienced similar beasts… but my only outside option like that is to go to a 12-step meeting where they focus on God (any God really, but the word and the concept are huge triggers for me)… oh, and there’s DBT, which is also a huge trigger for me.  But when I tell them this as they recommend it for the millionth time, they simply stare (listen) puzzled, after all, how can DBT or AA not work for someone?!

D, If I reach out to the resources you gave me, will they know how to respond? You told me to try again until I found someone who understood… Do you know how hard it is for me to talk to anyone about any of this, let alone multiple people?? I told you I called and hung up 4 times before I found the courage to acknowledge the greeting? Did you understand that I was trying to tell you how incredibly hard and painful and scary it was to reach out so strangers like that, just to get someone who did not hear a thing I said after the first 5 words?  Sometimes I feel like you get lost too after my first few words, just like the woman on the phone.  You don’t really know what to do, so you focus on that tiny shred of information, because the rest is too scary to see… I’m sorry scare you.

I wish there was a video tutorial on how to communicate when you have no clue what to do…


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