I find I can write things one day (or one minute) and totally forget what I wrote later on. I find myself reading and re-reading everything a multitude of times, and not necessarily knowing the thought process that was behind it… much like needing to stare at my reflection in the mirror to study the person looking back at me. I often times lose connection with that body. It throws me for a loop. Then people think I’m too self-absorbed. They don’t understand it’s because I need to know what’s there… I surprise myself sometimes… there is actually a person starting back at me, but it’s hard to draw the mental line from there to here.
I know it has a name and a diagnosis, but I wonder if people who don’t experience it can ever figure out what it’s like… not that I would want them to experience it, but just to truely understand what it’s like to look in the mirror and not really feel what is looking back at you… it’s weird and unnerving to know there is something corporeal there… even these days, with an awareness of the problem, I can still spend an eternity looking at my reflection just wondering if it really is me. And my writing is the same way. I read it over and over again to try to grasp the thoughts that connect it to me… weird phenomenon.