That tenuous grip is slowly slipping… I lost it over potatoes crumbling when I tried to slice them… They needed to be slices… not mashed potatoes.  So I threw then into the dish with the knife I was using and stormed off.  I feel like shit for it.  It’s such a stupid thing to get so worked up over… but it’s just one more thing not going right… and I found my tear, because they are streaming now… now that I want them to stop because my brother is coming over with my sister-in-law and her family and they really don’t need to see me in pieces.  but I can’t stop crying… and it’s all over stupid things… like potatoes.

The darkness is palpable

I can move my hand through the cloud next to me,  extending tendrils out after my fingers.  It feels like a losing battle.  I desperately don’t want to lose,  but that part of me it’s getting smaller, being swallowed up by the darkness.

I keep reassuring her I’m not going anywhere, but what if I’m wrong?  I don’t want to do that to her.  My love for her and my drive to keep her safe has to be stronger than the darkness.  I have to be stronger than the darkness.

My heart hurts.  The weight of this is almost crushing me…