Frazzled

My brain is at once mush and racing.  I want to sleep, but I can’t close my eyes.  My head fluctuates between heartbreak and anxiety.  The events of today hit close to my heart.  It’s overwhelming and tears come to my eyes whenever I think of it… and it angers me when everyone automatically jumps to more governmental control… I think we need to make mental health treatment more accessible.  It needs to cater to people not only once they break,  but also “preventative medicine”…  I remember fighting to gain access to treatment that was more intensive but still trying to maintain a full time job. If I was an addict in the traditional sense, I would have had the opportunity to go to an evening program. I would have been able to keep up my treatment while not disrupting my daily life. I had to make a choice: minister to my mental health, or keep myself afloat financially and maintain my home. If I had an addiction, I would not have to make that difficult decision.

I fell through the cracks until I cracked. I maintained myself with weekly therapy until it became too much. I was unable to keep up the facade. I am not totally sure what happened that first time, but I found myself at the emergency room afraid I was going to hurt myself beyond repair… a few weeks after my initial weekend stint on the psych unit, I woke up (several times) in the ICU. The previous night, I had decided to kill myself, and made a relatively decent attempt. I spent the next week locked up. They discharged me with a hope to continue more intensive treatment. I did not follow through. There was no inquiry to my lack of appearance at the program. I had made a serious attempt on my life just over a week ago, and I was free to go. I saw my therapist once a week, and continued my daily grind. I was adept at smiling and pretending everything was hunky-dory while inside I was trying desperately to make sand fill up a wire frame… I fell apart again a few short weeks later. I fell through the cracks inside myself and in the system… mind you I was never as messed up as I was on my meds, but that is also another story…

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