Monthly Archives: November 2012

It’s been a while… the world has changed.

Things have changed for me quite a bit since the last time i wrote.  I quit my job at the shelter, and have gone back to my part-time jobs.  The thing that cemented that change was a 2 week period of hell with the girls. There are only so many nights i could stand of being assaulted, screamed at, taunted, and told what would be done to me if she had 3 minutes alone with me.  The final incident wasn’t even all that bad, but it broke me down. I cried the whole way home.  The next day, i called out of my shift (as much for the pounding headache as for the need to make a decision about work).  I talked to my boss over the phone, as both a boss and a friend.  She told me that she valued my contribution, but i needed to do what was best for me.  Neither of us wanted to see me back in that cycle of self-destruction…  i quit that night over the phone, and agreed to give my 2 weeks  notice the next day, dating it for the previous night. 

A huge weight was lifted from me.  I was able to respond better to the girls and their antics.  I stopped caring about being therapeutic and just gave them my genuine reactions… it was the easiest 2 weeks yet.  I annoyed the hell out of the girl that made it her mission to annoy staff.  She suddenly listened to me…  it made me think that all our training sometimes blinds us to the need to be genuine.  Kids don’t want a censoring of what you think. They want the truth.  It made me think of myself in the countless “therapeutic” relationships I’ve encountered in the recent past… the best ones were the honest ones… they meant the most and helped the most.  I’m not advocating inappropriate relationships in the helping profession, just more human ones.  I know it takes away the veil of omnipotence, but we are all just human after all. Some of us happen to have more expertise in one area over another…
That said, the changes continue to come. My wife and i are relocating to where i grew up, if only for a short time.  The opportunities are immense.  We can save money. We can go back to school. We can breathe a bit… the challenges are also immense. We are leaving behind all our friends and family in exchange for moving in with the one family member i still have in that state… we are leaving our supports and providers to get a chance at bettering our lives when we return here… that is a scary concept.  I have not lived there for almost 15 years… the last time i was there for more than a visit i was in the midst of a break-down.  The potential for triggers is great.  My support down there is slight.  I made the scary step of trying to find a therapist for when i move.  My current therapist and i came up with an emergency escape plan should one be needed within the first month.  I then called a local trauma speciality center to try to get info… I’m awaiting a call back.  Memories of running away from there creep back into my head. Irrational fears of coming completely undone flood my thoughts.  I’ve been cranky and distant much of the day. What will it be like to be back there after so long? What happens if my dad comes to visit (HUGE trigger)? What if i need someone to talk to? Will the new therapist be as good?  Will i be able to trust this person? So much at stake with this move, but the benefits might be so much more.

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