Daily Archives: November 2, 2012

Who do you talk to when no one it’s available?

What do you do when you have no one to talk to? They are all busy, or have no concept of what is going on in my head… I’m looking for someone to talk to that may relate to the craziness… I want to know that I’m not alone.  I want to know my craziness is not unique to me, because if it is, then I’m really, really messed up…
And I want to know that this all fades at some point. I want to know it won’t be something I’m struggling with until the day I die…
I laugh inside (and sometimes out loud) when people tell me I’m going to hell for the life I live… they have no clue that I have been there.  I’ve lived in hell for most of my life, with only glimpses of life outside without pain… its only been in the last year that I have lived truly happy for more days than not… hell is here on earth, not some mystical underworld. It’s very real for so many people… yet we are all isolated from others in our own little worlds.

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Trauma really warps people…

Think about it; how in the world would anyone come to think of self-injury as comforting without something changing that self-preservation instinct.  If you grow up being hurt over and over, you start to feel that it’s normal.  Half the time i self-injured, the thought would cross my mind that no one could ever hurt me more than i can hurt myself.  No matter the damage they would try to inflict, i could always do worse (and creep them out enough in the process to keep them from trying anything else)… at least, that thought was there in the beginning, back when i first started in high school… the thoughts have changed since then. It had become more automatic, with fewer thoughts involved.  even when it got to the addiction stage though, i never once felt any pain when I went through with the act. Pain would have triggered me to stop, and had a few times.  It was only ever relief; like being able to breathe again after taking an inhaler for an asthma attack.  There are times i only vaguely remember doing it, but being somewhat amazed that i felt nothing from it, so i would try again to see if i could feel anything.  I am just now getting snippets of memories from my last really dissociative episode.  It lasted at least 2 days, well, i was in the hospital for 2 days without any memories of it.  I have faint hints of being really out of it.  I think i only remember parts of it because others told me what happened.  I do remember piercing my wrist at one point.  I somehow managed to convince the dbt therapist i was talking to that i need to go to my car for some reason… i remember sitting in the back seat of my car with the large safety pin from my first aid kit.  I remember being amused by the little pop my arm made as the pin punctured something inside.  Then i remember being back in her group room and intending to take only 1 ativan, but then i see her face and hear her ask me what i was doing… she was mad at me… that’s all i remember until i realized 2 days had gone by and i was in the hospital again… needless to say i was booted from the program…  apparently i was desperately trying to seek help while i was dissociating, but i guess i didn’t say outright “i need help”… 
I do not remember what lead up to that episode.  I’m not sure what pushed me over the edge, but something did.  I wish that therapist would have gotten back to me and told me what happened, but i never heard from her again.  I liked her. She was though. She called me on my Shit, but also listened when i needed it… i can’t remember her name for the life of me right now, but i remember her face as she walked in on me taking the ativan in her room… her anger is what i think allows me to remember that instant… it’s what allows me to remember that i wasn’t dissociating for that split second of her seeing me do that and me realizing what i was doing… but i don’t remember anything else around that day…
I wish i could talk to the people in that program to get a better idea of what happened.  I would ask what to look out for if it ever happened again…